Flame & Root Alchemy

On creating, existing, and finally giving myself permission to just be.

If I could do anything, I would do nothing.

And not nothing in the way of actually doing nothing. I mean doing things without feeling like I need to produce something. Without needing to turn every thought into a project, every idea into a business, or every talent into a way to make money.

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I want to create without feeling like I need to justify it.

I do not want to run a business.

There. I said it.

The amount of energy it requires is beyond my capacity, and I am finally willing to admit that I don’t have it in me. Not because I lack ideas. Not because I’m incapable. Not because I don’t have anything to offer.

But because I don’t want to spend my life building something that requires me to spend my life maintaining it.

I love to learn, but I’m tired of learning things because I need another skill to make money. I love to read, but I’m tired of reading to figure out how to run a business or survive in a world that insists I must constantly find new ways to contribute.

I want to write because I enjoy the way my thoughts sound when I put them on a page.

I want to make art because I find joy in creating.

If I write or illustrate a book, I want it to be because I enjoy the process.

If I talk to someone about their journey, I want it to be because I enjoy the connection and want to help them feel seen.

Not because I’m building an audience. Not because I’m developing an offer. Not because I need to turn another part of myself into something that can be sold.

I have ideas. So many ideas. And yes, I could build a business around them.

But why?

We don’t necessarily need more paid subscriptions, more coaches, more classes, and more things to buy. Maybe what we need is more connection. More shared resources. More knowledge passed between us. More bartering. More people helping one another simply because they can.

Maybe we need to remember that not everything meaningful has to come with a price tag.

When I say I want to do nothing, I mean I want to stop defining my worth by what I can produce, what I can sell, or what I can build.

I want to live and be free from survival.

I want to create because I love it.

I want to have community. I want a quiet, easy life where I’m not spending my energy unnecessarily. I want to have the time and energy to be with my children while they’re still children. I want to be outside, travel, experience the world beyond Mt. Hood, and remember that life is happening right now.

Too much of my life has been spent wondering how the bills would be paid and whether I was contributing enough to society.

And I’ve realized something.

I contribute plenty.

I am worthy just as I am.

I don’t know how to get out of survival mode as the sole provider. I wish I did. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have all my needs met without having to carry the stress of figuring it all out.

But I don’t have the answers, and that is okay.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to write. I’ll continue to create. I’ll continue to come back to myself, day after day, no matter the circumstances.

I’ll release the need to know the who, what, when, where, why, and how.

Sometimes we don’t know the next step. Sometimes we don’t need to.

Sometimes it’s okay to breathe, give ourselves grace, and remember that we’ve made it this far. We still have the rest of our lives ahead of us.

And maybe the next step isn’t to build something bigger.

Maybe it’s to stop trying to turn everything into something.

So, here’s what I’m doing.

I’m going to write.

I’m going to take all the notes scattered throughout my notebooks, the essays I’ve started, the poems I’ve scribbled down, the chapters that might never become books, the late-night revelations, the half-formed thoughts, and the ramblings that make perfect sense to me even when I’m not entirely sure where they’re going.

I’m going to put them here.

One essay. One poem. One rambling at a time.

Sometimes every day. Sometimes once a week. Sometimes whenever something inside me needs to find its way out.

I’m not promising a schedule. I’m not creating a content strategy. I’m not building a funnel or trying to turn this into the next big thing.

I’m simply making room for my words to exist outside my head.

Everything will be free.

If something I write resonates with you, let’s talk. If an idea sparks something in you, take it and see where it leads. If my words help you feel less alone, I’m grateful. If you disagree with me, that’s okay, too. We’re all figuring things out as we go.

If you want to support my writing with a donation, you can. If you don’t, please stay anyway.

You don’t owe me anything for being here.

And I don’t owe the world a business just because I have something to offer.

I don’t want to spend my life trying to monetize my creativity. I don’t want every beautiful thing I do to become another responsibility. I don’t want to be so busy building a life that I forget to live it.

I want to make art. I want to write. I want to be outside, spend time with my family, travel, meet people, learn things, and experience the magic of being alive.

I want to help someone because I can. I want to create something because it brings me joy. I want to share what I discover without having to figure out how to package it first.

I don’t know exactly what this will become.

And for once, I’m not going to make that my problem.

Maybe it will become a collection of writings. Maybe someone will stumble across a piece years from now and find exactly what they needed. Maybe these words will simply exist as little markers of who I was, what I thought, what I felt, and what I learned along the way.

That is enough.

This isn’t a business. It’s not a course. It’s not a promise that I’ll teach you how to transform your life.

It’s an offering.

The inner workings of my mind, on full display.

The messy bits. The magic. The questions. The contradictions. The things I’m figuring out and the things I may never figure out.

All of it, as I am.

So welcome to my mind.

Stay a while if you like.

Let’s talk if something resonates.

Take what serves you. Leave what doesn’t.

And remember that you don’t have to turn every gift you have into a living.

Sometimes you can just live.

Stay weird. Stay wild. Make magic.